#Creepfest ‘s Axel Howerton’s “Letter to SantyClaws”

It’s the 17th and the stretching out bloody hand tells us we are 5 days in, the blood is creeping through…Hope you have been hopping to all the above blogs…there is plenty tales of horror and freebie flash fiction as well as some great giveaways, sweepstakes and prizes…

Today I have the pleasure of the wicked hilarious man with a sharp tongue, the one and only Axel Howerton – lately of #CoffinHop 2011 fame…He spins some flash fiction for us that can only be pure “Axel” and tells me a little about his Christmas favourites…did you think he makes the naughty or the nice list? Find out here…

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#Creepfest Author’s Flash Fiction Challenge

1.) Re-imagine Santa’s visit to drop off gifts by putting a #Creepfest spin on it. Max words: 200

“Who’s next Larry?” The booming voice echoes across the rooftops, the giant in his red suit struggling out of the chimney stack, blazenly ignoring every law of physics held dear by the most serious of men. When he finally wriggles free, like a fully-inflated beach ball magically erupting from the business-end of a wrapping paper tube, there’s a squishy “pop”, and a barely audible snicker from the midget standing next to the ornate wooden sleigh with the quad-thrust boosters and touch-screen GPS control panel.

“McGinty, Jimmy. 43, lives with his mom, owns a comic-shop…” Larry squeaks his words out like a mouse in heat.

“43? Jesus. Are you kidding me?”

“You know the rules, Boss Man. As long as they believe.”

The big red beast shakes snow from his long white beard and makes a long reach back to scratch at the expanse of red velvet covering his well-fed haunches.

“But 43. Why hasn’t his mother given him the damn “talk”. We can’t afford to be giving gifts to kids until they’re 50! 12… 13… max! Then we have a nice rollover that allows us to keep up with the… what is it now? 10 MILLION a year?”

“10, 964, 998.8”

Bushy white eyebrows rise as gleaming blue eyes narrow to slits.

“Point-eight?”

“Don’t ask.”

[Note to bloghoppers-Aside: So just a reminder…Axel’s Flash Fiction is the fourth entry into the Creepfest Challenge…Let me know what you think of it and check back here tomorrow for the fifth offering as you are going to help pick the winning Creepfest author at the end of the tour. Please let me know, in your comment below, how you rate this third story, in the challenge, by the wickedly, twisted Axel Howerton out of 5 stars (5 = Brilliant).]

2.) On Santa’s list this year, would you be naughty or nice? Tell me three ways you got on to either the naughty or the nice list.

This may be a little gross for a happy-go-lucky Creepfest interview, but my poor, lovely, saint of a wife lives with 3 boys. SO I spend a lot of time cleaning in front of the toilet. Santa knows what I’m talking about. You hardly ever see girl elves in mainstream depictions of the North Pole… Who do you think cleans up after all those little buggers? It probably is not Mrs. Claus. Nick feels my pain. Ergo – always on the nice list. I could chop up a scientologist and feed them to a nun, I’d still be gold… You know, there’s a whole separate afterlife for janitors and plumbers. They get to sit in a big shiny white room that never gets dirty. They sit there and they eat ribs and drink whiskey and they watch Monk on the greatest HD TV in the Universe.

3.) Who is your favourite villain in a classic fairy-tale and why?

Let’s see, Rumpelstiltskin was a black-market human trafficker, the witches in Hansel & Gretel were cannibals, the Queen in Snow White was a Republican and the “evil” stepmother wasn’t evil, so much as a real buzz-kill. Soooooo… Grendel. I mean, he was just a giant BAMF berserker looking for his revenge on the men who tormented him out of religious bias. He’s minding his bidness, slaughtering townsfolk and sending half-eaten Viking warriors off to Valhalla, when that smarmy jag Beowulf shows up and rips his damn arm off… Where’s the respect?

4.) If you were a character in “The Christmas Carol”…who would you be and why?

Well, when we JibJab it, my kids always make me Bob Cratchit and, I suppose, he’d be who I would both most resemble and most relate to. I’m just a poor shmoe trying to afford the proverbial Christmas goose and a couple of lumps of coal. I’m happy and content with being in the middle. I don’t need to be the richest man in town, but neither will I let my kids go hungry or without Transformer KRE-O. Also, my boss is a dick.

5.) What gift would you leave under the tree if you were the Christmas Grinch?

Zee Grinch cares about nosing, Lebowski! Zee Grinch leaves nossing. He comes from nossing and creates nossing! The Grinch is the personification of nihilism.

Axel Howerton is most often described – in order of import – as: Badass Dad. Attendant Hubby. Loverman. Author. Reviewer. Time Lord. Bookhouse Boy. Coffee Addict. Dudeist. Sox National. Enmascarado. Reformed pugilist. Ink Monkey.

His work has appeared in Dark Moon Digest, Dark Eclipse, Kitschykoo Magazine, Last Writes, My Good Eye, The Den of Iniquity, EyecraveDVD, and many more. Axel’s zombie novella Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy is available at most online retailers and his story “Hum” is featured in the anthology A Career Guide To Your Job In Hell, alongside the likes of Scott Phillips, Robert Vardeman and Victor Milan.

Axel spends most of his time braving the frigid tundra and rampaging sasquatch tribes of Canada – usually two steps behind his two brilliant young sons and a wife that is way out of his league. He is also currently hard at work on several new short stories, as well as putting the finishing touches on his crime/comedy novel, “Hot Sinatra”.

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Thanks Axel…As always your macabre wit had me in stitches – pun meant in the spirit of Creepfest. EEww…so glad I am a girl…yes you get to be on the “Nice” list for your good deeds in toilet hygiene. Happy Creepfest & Merry Christmas! 😀

The Reader Challenge

~13/12 – 23/12~

I am going to ask you a question and you are going to answer it in the comments. Only 1 entry per person is allowed. However, to be eligible you need to:

• follow this blog
• like my Facebook Page
• follow me on Twitter
• after all this is done: tweet that you have been visited by #GhostofCreepmasPast and tag me @AuthorKimKoning 
• Also make sure that you are hopping to the other blogs in this #Creepfest Blog Tour
• These 5 tasks will make your entry eligible for the prize.

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So drumroll…Here is the question challenge.

Question: The Ghost of Creepmas (Creepfest’s Christmas) Past is making a house call and this week he is visiting your house. He takes you back through time to your worst Christmas Nightmare. (This can be real or imagined.) Tell me about it in 200 words (max).

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