2016.Bitter.Sweet.

…Today is a difficult day I feel overwhelmed by pain: emotional waves of grief and emptiness that keep on breaching my foundations; foundations weak from physical pain-migraine! I’m angry at myself for being a mess today. I’m angry that I feel so broken and I’m doing all I can to hold onto the broken pieces…but really I just want to throw away all the brokenness and wipe the slate clean and start again, build myself back up…I’m still in Migraine Hell. The pain has dulled but the nausea is now kicking in with full force. I slept better last night but took a while to fall asleep…too much noise in my brain again. But I put on my headset and drowned the noise with music. There is a numbness today after all the emotion that poured out of me yesterday…This is not the End of me…This is the beginning…For so long I had caged my heart, told it to keep quiet. I have lead solely with my head. But I have only survived, I have lived a life half-lived. But losing A so soon, too soon, opened that dark lock-box where I had hidden my heart. Suddenly it was no longer just a lock-box but it had transformed into Pandora’s Box. Suddenly I couldn’t contain, couldn’t constrain, couldn’t control all the emotion that came pouring out of this hidden place. Grief, rage, death, loss skinned me of all my protective layers. I was left unformed, raw, vulnerable, unprotected from the elements, all my dam walls broken in millions of pieces…this journey was a part of my destiny. It would take something tragic, something devastating to move me from the grey places I had walked into when I shut away my heart. The worst thing happened. Someone I loved, someone who was part of my history, part of my story, part of my identity…Left. Not only did she leave but I lost my chance to see her in person once again. She was ripped from my life, taken away with not enough warning. There are moments in life and death that define us, shake the very core of us, change us. There are moments in life that are defined by what came before and what came after. This is my moment. This is the moment, the fragment in time, where I decide to either stay the same or change direction. This journey has freed my heart from the martingale I had constrained it with. Then my heart, now raw, free and untethered suddenly found a reason to wake up…It was both the most painful trip I have ever had to make but also the most clarifying journey filled with sweet pockets of unexpected joy…I cannot help but think that A is still being my BFF and arranging circumstances and moments to bring me joy, to remind me what it means to truly live, not just survive but thrive. Seeing A go through the Cancer with courage and yes even with joy and still believing in love, in spite of the Cancer or perhaps because for her the Cancer clarified how short and precious life is and how rare joy and love is…| excerpted from my journal ~ 2016

I’ve been away, both from this blog and from my own life. I’ve come back from a life-changing, life-altering journey. A journey that I never wanted to take but one that is now part of my story. The journey started 26 years ago when two adolescent girls met one morning waiting for a school bus and said “hello”. One of these girls is me at 12, just moved to a new town with no friends. The other girl is A: a girl who stands with her ballet dancer’s elegance, her feet meeting at the heels and toes pointed in opposite directions. That first “hello” changed my story and opened the chapter of a life-long friendship. In 2016 that long chapter changed with the last words I told my friend, the ballet dancer, the daughter, the sister, the mother, the woman, the nurturer, the compassionate one, the warrior, my anchor; when I told her she could let go now, she could rest.

In 2016 I lost one of the cartographers of my past.

  Keep on reading!

Eat, Pray, Love ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert
Image by elycefeliz via Flickr

I have written many posts about words in this blog. But I realised today that I have neglected to write any posts about the books that inspire me. So today I am going to give the honour of my first Books/Writers post to one of my favourite books:

Eat, Pray, Love

by

Elizabeth Gilbert

By now most people know about this story and this woman. More importantly they know of the phenomenon that this incredible woman’s story has inspired. A woman’s world came apart. She went off in search of herself. She chose three destinations. The first she would focus on her love of food. The second she would focus on her soul. The third she would focus on her heart. She found herself and a new love. She put it all in a book and she called it Eat,Pray, Love. It resonated with millions of readers. Hollywood picked up the vibes and came calling. Julia Roberts came wooing. A movie was made. The rest is history as they say.

Let me tell you why this is one of my favourite books. First answer this question. What makes a book popular? What makes a writer an inspiration?

A book must resonate with its readers. It must hook them. It must make them laugh or cry. Readers must recognise parts of themselves in the characters of the story. They must feel a connection with either the writer or the reader. That is what makes a good book. That is what makes you even reread favourite books. That is what makes readers quote their favourite passages from books.

All of the above answers are the very same reasons why this book is one of my favourite books. Sometimes reading the correct book is all in the timing and the circumstances that you find yourself in. That was the case with me when I first came across this book. I won’t go into the gory details here but I will say that I found myself at my lowest. Life had taken a bite from me, chewed me up and then spat me out. Then I came across this book. At the time I was immersing myself in any books I could find in an effort to completely escape from my own life and for a moment to live in a world created fictionally. Initially I thought that Eat,Pray,Love would be the same: pure escapism. I had never heard of the author. But I picked up the book and I started reading.

I started the book in the early evening and read right through the entire night. I did not eat and I did not sleep. I read and read. I was enthralled. It was uncanny. Everything I had been feeling for months was written in this book and resonated through Elizabeth’s words. (I use the author’s first name because by the time I was into the second chapter of the book, I felt like I was connected to her. She stopped being an author and became an advisor, a counsellor, a shoulder and a friend.) When I finally reached the end of the story, I cried. I cried not just because the book had come to an end but because I could see a light at the end of my own personal tunnel.

This story is a story of one woman’s search for herself. That may sound simple. But isn’t that the same story for you and I. Isn’t life constantly about searching for oneself? This search might wear different masks for different people: For one it may wear the mask of love, for a second it may wear the mask of success, for a third it may wear the mask of happiness, for a fourth it might wear a face of politics. But for all of us the search for something more, something extra to help us make sense of things, the search for what we are supposed to do and who we are supposed to be: this is a universal theme. Just as universal is that life and more accurately emotion is a roller-coaster ride. It throws us up in the air and then brings us down, it speeds up and it slows down. This is the reason why I believe that Eat,Pray, Love has become such a phenomenon.

A good writer is a writer who can tell a story but an inspiring writer is a writer who with complete transparent honesty allows us to enter their head space and their heart space. Elizabeth Gilbert is such: the inspiring writer.

So I urge you if you have not read Eat,Pray,Love – go get a copy of this book and read it. Even if you have watched the movie, go and get the book. It is in her words on the written page that you will find a voice that resonates. It is in her written words that you will find yourself laughing out loud and crying at the same time.

Most of all read this book to learn how to be an honest writer. I would also call Elizabeth Gilbert a diarist. Her thoughts and emotions are so naked and vulnerable that you almost feel like you are reading her diary. It takes courage to write honestly. Elizabeth Gilbert has courage. She does not promise to have all the answers but she writes down all her questions and shares her answers with you, the reader. Take a step into her world.

Make it your resolution to be honest and vulnerable in your writing. It is said that if the writer writes with tears streaming down their cheeks, the reader will find tears streaming down their’s.

So: Eat. Pray. Love.

 

Mark Twain put it beautifully:

“Honesty: The best of all the lost arts”


© All Rights Reserved Kim Koning.